No One Asked Straight Women to Prove It

Samantha Fox: From day one, we are told who we should be, how to live, and what's acceptable. Before we even have a chance to discover ourselves, our society has already drawn those lines for us. But what happens when those lines are keeping us from knowing and embracing who we truly are? Welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox, a podcast about unpacking and unlearning everything that's kept you from living as your true self. Through honest conversations about your internal emotional landscape, sexuality, coming out later in life, relationships, and the journey to self-acceptance, we break free from the boxes we never chose. Hello and welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. Today I'm here to talk about something that I have been hearing about from women that I'm working with. And it has to do with coming into your identity as a gay woman, as a lesbian woman, as a queer woman, as a bisexual woman, this feeling that Until you have had an experience with a woman, until you have kissed a woman or had some kind of physical exchange with a woman that is sensual and sexual, that you aren't sure that you're really valid in your identity. You're not sure that you can really stand in saying. Whatever your identity is, however you're identifying, because you feel concerned that other women out there that have been out, that have been with women, are going to think that you're a fraud. So recently I was working with a client where this came up. This woman has had same-sex attraction from the time she was very young. It never went away. She still ended up marrying a man and then marrying another man after a divorce, having kids, all the while knowing she was attracted to women, but caught up in compulsory heterosexuality and doing what you're supposed to do, and a lot of other reasons that impacted her ability to feel free to come out as gay. And now, as she's in her 50s and she's been single for a number of years and is loving life, loving the single life, just very content with taking care of herself, being with herself, doing what she wants to do when she wants to do it. She is finally at a place where she's fully come into her identity and she identifies as gay, yet she has not had. Had a sensual or sexual experience with a woman. And therefore, there is an insecurity inside of her that says, Am I valid in saying that I'm gay if I haven't been with a woman? So that is where my idea for today's podcast comes from, because this client of mine is not alone. I hear this from many women all around the globe. That if they have not had the experience, they feel like they're not valid. And the first place I usually go with this is to go to heterosexuality. And I think about people who identify as straight or identify as heterosexual, yet they have not had an experience yet with a man. And they might be 20 or they might be 25 or however old they are, they might be 30 or 35, but they have not had an experience with a man, but they identify as straight. Because if you were to ask them who they were attracted to, who they feel magnetized toward, who they fantasize about, who they romanticize about, they would say men. And therefore, Their identity to them is heterosexual. If somebody says to them, you know, do you date men or women? They would say, Men, I'm straight. But it's possible that they have not yet had an experience with a man. Yet they still are able to stand in their identity. I look at this and I say, why is this different than knowing that you're gay? There are many women that are gay that are not partnered, that are single. that could be for any number of reasons. Also, having a sensual experience with a random person, whether you're gay or straight, may not lead you to significant discoveries about yourself. Because If you're not attracted to the person, if you're not actually feeling connected, it's possible that you won't feel turned on, whether that's a man or a woman. So if you were to identify as straight and go out into the world and you've never had an experience with a man, and you meet a man out at a bar and you end up having a sexual experience with him, there is no telling you that. That sexual experience is going to be pleasurable and leave you with a feeling of confirming your identity. Because you were with that man, that is not what makes you straight, right? Same thing with a woman. You might be like, I gotta kiss a woman so I can validate my identity. Then you might go out to a bar and kiss some random woman and feel absolutely nothing. And then what? Then are you gonna question your identity and say, wait a minute, I didn't feel anything. Maybe I'm not gay. I have never heard a straight woman say this. When I kissed him, I felt nothing, and then I wondered, maybe I'm not straight. I've never heard that said. Only on the flip side. I didn't feel anything. I didn't really enjoy the sensual interaction. I don't know what that means, but maybe I'm not gay. Our identity comes from inside of us. It comes from what turns our light on in all different areas. And there is no one right thing, and there doesn't even have to be just one thing that turns your light on. But if the one thing that turns your light on is women and you haven't had an experience with a woman, that does not change the fact that you identify as a woman loving woman. And so you can use whatever word you want for that lesbian, gay, woman loving woman, sapphic woman. Queer, if that's what you want to use, right? if you're not at all attracted to men, if you are also attracted to men, bisexual, pansexual right? So you don't have to have an experience with a woman that is sensual in order to know who you are. please look at these two things next to each other and ask yourself, why is it that you feel you need this particular act in order to validate your identity? Part two of this. is last night I went out with a couple of friends from my lesbian community and one of the women in the group was talking about How frustrating she feels it is when she goes on the apps and she sees women that identify as bisexual or queer or gay, and that when she goes on a date with that person, and that person shares with her that they have not had any sensual experience with a woman, that she feels very upset. And frustrated and feels like that woman is misrepresenting herself. This is a woman who's been out for a long time. She's single. She would like a partner. She is looking for a partner. And she meets many women that are in open relationships, they're married to a man, they're bisexual or bicurious. These are their identities. This is how they label themselves on the app. And then when she meets them, they Tell her that they have never been with a woman. And that feels very frustrating for her. And she feels that they are misrepresenting themselves. Now, this is exactly what my client was concerned about. And I had to talk to this friend of mine and say, This is not okay. You cannot. Tell a woman that she cannot identify as gay or bisexual or however she identifies, based on whether or not she's had a sexual experience with a woman. That's just not fair. Your identity is not based on whether or not you've had a sexual experience with another person. It took a little bit of back and forth, but by the time we stopped talking, she heard me. She agreed. She said she had some learning to do and that she, you know, just in general, I think is frustrated and wants to meet someone. And, was feeling like most of the women that are on the apps are somewhere in the bicurious or bisexual range. Or Polly. They're married and they're looking to for a woman to have experiences with. And she doesn't want to be that woman for those women, which is okay, but you can't tell those women that they cannot use those labels for themselves because you can use whatever label resonates with you, and it does not have to do with who you have or have not had a sensual experience with. So I really want to empower those of you out there that are struggling with this and are feeling like I'm afraid to go out. I'm afraid to meet women. I'm afraid to tell them this. I'm afraid that I that I haven't had the experience. And I almost feel like I just need to go out and have the experience so I can then stand taller in my identity. And I want to tell you you can stand tall in your identity without the experience. Because You might have an experience that does not make you feel like you stand taller. You might meet someone and decide, I'm just gonna go for it and feel nothing. That is possible. Just because it is a female-bodied person does not mean that you're gonna have a spark with them. That is a special and rare thing that shows up where your energy and somebody else's energy. mixes together in such a way to create a spark for both of you. I also spoke to a friend of mine who is a lifelong lesbian about this. And she agreed with me 100% that your identity has to do with you and not with who you're having sensual experiences with. In terms of solidifying your identity or making you feel valid in your identity. She said, when she came out at 21, she said to her sister, I think I'm gay. What do you think? Do you think I'm gay? And her sister said, No, I don't think you're gay. And she said, Why? And her sister said, Because you've been with men. So you can't be gay. You've been with men. And that was her sister's answer, right? So you can get a lot of different opinions and a lot of conditioned responses because we all grow up in the same ecosystem where we're hearing the same things and learning the same things and ask. Somebody else, what they think about your identity, that does not matter. The only thing that matters is what you feel. And I know there might be some lifelong lesbians out there that don't agree with this, but if you take it and turn it on its head and look at this next to heterosexuality, I have never ever met a woman that has had to. Test out being with a man to know whether or not she was straight because she was longing for a man, she loves everything about a man, and whether or not she's had that experience, she might be looking forward to it, That is not changing how she identifies herself. Now that could change. Because anything can change. I've met women who have been with women for a long time and then decided they were going to be with a man. So, you know, every day that you are here and you are alive, you get to decide what resonates for you without the outside world telling you who you are, who you can be, who you can't be. That is all a big bunch of BS. Do not listen to it. And if you need help unboxing yourself from all of this, that's what Unbox Your Sexuality, a Sexuality Liberation Program, is all about. When you join the program, you also get three months free in Beyond Straight, which is my community for women who are coming into their not straight sexualities later in life. Thank you so much for being here. If you have questions, please reach out to me Thank you for spending this time with me on Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave a review. It helps more folks find these conversations. If you're ready to unbox from something that's keeping you stuck, I would love to support you. You can find the application to the show at unboxyoursexuality.com. Let's stay connected. Find me on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at lesbiancuriositycoach. Give me a follow and join the conversation. Remember, we only have this one time through. Why not unbox yourself and let your true self shine in all its beautiful glory?