Unboxing Crushes

Samantha Fox: From day one, we are told who we should be, how to live, and what's acceptable. Before we even have a chance to discover ourselves, our society has already drawn those lines for us. But what happens when those lines are keeping us from knowing and embracing who we truly are? Welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox, a podcast about unpacking and unlearning everything that's kept you from living as your true self. Through honest conversations about your internal emotional landscape, sexuality, coming out later in life, relationships, and the journey to self-acceptance, we break free from the boxes we never chose. Hello, and welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. Today's episode was inspired by a conversation with a close friend. This friend was sharing with me how she's realizing now. So this woman came out in her mid-50s after, 25 years of marriage She realized that. She had crushes on women while she was married and also had a relationship after she came out, all of which, according to her, were terrible crushes because the relationships in the end really didn't work. So, according to this woman, what she was attracted to was problematic. There was a problem with her crushes. She crushed on the wrong people because those relationships didn't work out. And as she was saying this, it was hitting me that she was actually blaming herself for. having chose somebody that in the long term the relationship either didn't work out, or in the case of while she was married, after knowing the person for a number of years, she felt some relief that she never did get into a relationship with that person because, you know, she saw things about them that would have been really difficult to be in relationship with. And even as a friendship, it still felt difficult, some of these things about these people. So She walked away with this assumption, which is boy, I have crushes on the wrong people. If that's you, if you have ever told yourself that your picker is broken, that you're attracted to the wrong people, that you get into relationships with the wrong people, that you have crushes on the wrong people, then this episode is for you. And what I want to say is no. You're not attracted to the wrong people. We are attracted to people for a myriad of reasons. Some of them are deeply, embedded in our makeup. Some of them have to do with life experiences we had early that didn't quite go the way. That we would have wanted and they never had the resolution we wanted. And therefore, you know, not in a conscious way, we choose people that maybe have similar patterns to those in our early life that we were never able to come to a resolution with. Maybe we never got the love that we deserved from our parents. We never got the care we deserved from our parents. We never got the interest on their part in us. and therefore, when you meet somebody who starts to show some interest, then it sparks this unmet need that your system is just like, this is our chance. This is our chance, right? So this is just one of so many ways and dynamics that we are attracted to people that are not even conscious, right? for men, often when they are attracted to somebody, it has to do with something physical. For women, that's not always the case. And more often than not, it is not the case, especially in women loving women relationships. You're not falling for someone because she has the most beautiful breasts you've ever seen. I mean, they are perfect. I am going to marry and partner with this person long term because her breasts are perfect. No, we don't have that. We don't see that. and if you know someone who is like that, who does want to partner with somebody because of that, they have been so deeply conditioned by the hetero patriarchy and misogyny, and they have no idea that they are acting out of that space. Feel free to inform them or send them to this podcast episode. So our attractions and our crushes show up for us for all kinds of reasons. And none of them are wrong. You're never having crushes on the wrong person. But if you have an expectation that because you have a crush on a person, That that person is going to end up being a long-term partner for you and fit into all of the things that you want and need without having ever had those conversations just based on the crushed feelings, then you are definitely going down the wrong path, right? So crush all you want. Be obsessed in the beginning with somebody new who seems so perfect for you for. All kinds of reasons, some you can't even explain. And then let the reality also come in to your mind and your body that you actually don't fully know this person. And it is going to take you time. You know what I say, it takes two years to know somebody, really know somebody, see them. Go through difficulties at work. See them have problems with family and friends. See what they're like when they get sick, when you get sick. All of these things that are necessary to be able to understand a person and how they cope with things. And how do they communicate with you? do they go in their room and close the door and shut down? Do they bring you in and actually try to share with you what's going on and tell you what kind of support would be helpful for them, right? We don't know this when we have a crush. A crush is just all those initial feelings. So have the crush. There's nothing wrong with the crush. But please keep in mind that a relationship that is going to last, and I'm not saying forever because I think that's part of what is sold to us. Some relationships do last forever, and that's absolutely beautiful. And There are an equal amount of relationships that don't. And I would say that there are more that don't actually feel fulfilling. They might last a lifetime, but the communication isn't good and the partnership isn't good. So I think it is a rare case where a relationship does last forever and you're able to navigate the bumps of life. Because they are going to happen. We're human and life is bumpy, even when it's smooth. It's smooth and smooth and smooth. It's gonna get bumpy again. It's not gonna stay smooth. my intention behind today's podcast episode is to tell you that if you're walking around the world telling yourself that your picker is broken, or that you have crushes on the wrong people and you're attracted to the wrong kind of people, because those relationships don't work out, or because you learn things about the person down the road that end up informing you that. This wasn't a great relationship for you, I'm gonna say how beautiful. How about having gratitude that you have learned that through this person? Take what you have learned about this person and see how you can move forward in life with new knowledge about yourself. How did you show up in the relationship that didn't really work well? How could you have shown up better? Did you stay in Way too long after you knew it wasn't working. What was really hard about exiting the relationship, right? Everything is there for you to learn. And realize that you don't have a broken picker and that having a crush on somebody and realizing down the road that they're not the right person for you is not a place to stop and turn and blame yourself. what I want to say to you is there is no reason to blame yourself for what is a totally natural unfolding of events, which is you meet somebody, they seem fantastic, and over time you start to realize, They're triggering you. And even though you're talking to them about it, there's no way to get them to change the way that they're saying something. They're just not willing to or they're not able to. they shut down emotionally and are not able to talk things through with you. There's lots of rupture, but there isn't any repair, right? Whatever the things are that you are noticing that are not working out with this relationship are just things to learn. About yourself, about the other person, about the dynamic between the two of you. And it doesn't mean that your picker is broken or that you're having crushes on the wrong people. It might just mean that this relationship is not viable as an ongoing long-term relationship. And that is absolutely okay. So that's my message for today: kindness towards yourself, curiosity, having a growth mindset. What can I learn from this? What can I do differently next time? You know, not I don't trust myself, right? This is old conditioning. I don't trust myself, my picker is broken, That is deep conditioning. You can trust yourself. Crushes are innocent feelings. When they don't work out, take the information. Evolve and grow and keep going forward, not losing trust in yourself. Thanks so much for being here. Thank you for spending this time with me on Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave a review. It helps more folks find these conversations. If you're ready to unbox from something that's keeping you stuck, I would love to support you. You can find the application to the show at unboxyoursexuality.com. Let's stay connected. Find me on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at lesbiancuriositycoach. Give me a follow and join the conversation. Remember, we only have this one time through. Why not unbox yourself and let your true self shine in all its beautiful glory?