There's Just Now: On Change, Certainty, and Coming Into Yourself

Samantha Fox: From day one, we are told who we should be, how to live, and what's acceptable. Before we even have a chance to discover ourselves, our society has already drawn those lines for us. But what happens when those lines are keeping us from knowing and embracing who we truly are? Welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox, a podcast about unpacking and unlearning everything that's kept you from living as your true self. Through honest conversations about your internal emotional landscape, sexuality, coming out later in life, relationships, and the journey to self-acceptance, we break free from the boxes we never chose. Hello, and welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. I recently had a clarity call with a woman who reminded me a little bit of myself back when I was first coming out. This woman was a couple of years older, maybe five years older than I was. Similar sexual trauma history. and recently met somebody who blew her world up, really waking her up to her same-sex attraction in a way she knew was there because she always identified as bisexual, but she never had anything that. I'm gonna say, knocked her socks off, like this recent experience did. one of the things that this woman shared with me was that when she met this person, that she immediately felt incredibly energized by being near her, like she felt electrified by this person. She also made it really clear to this person that they could only be friends, that there would be nothing beyond very good friends, because the woman I spoke with wanted to show up as the best mother and wife and woman as possible, and didn't want to do anything that. would change that. So, she met this woman and she felt like I am obsessed with this woman, which is very familiar to what happened to me. And also, you know, there is nothing in this world that would keep me from being with my kids all the time and continuing to be the wife and mother and woman that I have been. As we went on in our conversation, she began to share her awareness that these feelings she was having, that nothing would ever happen between the two of them, felt like her own internalized homophobia showing up for her. And a lot of that had to do with her concern about what other people would think of her, how other people would see her, This woman has been trying to figure out what is happening with her, what her next move is, And at the same time is wanting to unpack, you know, what is my label? Am I lesbian? Am I bisexual? Am I gonna re regret all of this at some point in the future because I love my life and I love co-parenting with him. And we've agreed that we're not gonna have any more sex. But I'm also feeling a lot of grief. And how am I going to work through this? So, this woman is in the middle of what feels to me kind of like an energetic storm of awakening, which is where so many of you out there that do listen to this podcast. Find yourselves. And I get it because I was there. I wanted to share my experience when I met my catalyst and had something very similar to this woman I was speaking to, which was a feeling of being electrified by this person that I met. I couldn't put words to what it was that was happening, but I felt very alive suddenly. I felt extremely obsessed with this person, and there came a point where. She and I, about five weeks after I met her, went to have a picnic together in the park. And we were sitting on a blanket and talking. And she asked me if I had ever considered divorce, if that's something that I thought might ever be in my future. And I was so Shocked. I was besides myself that she even said the word divorce. I mean, there was no way I was ever gonna be divorced, and I I told her, I said, absolutely not, like I am not getting divorced. That is not me. I am going to make sure that this marriage works. I am going to do everything to fulfill all of my duties as a wife and a mother for as long as I have to. And at some point I think I'll have another life, but that is not now. And I was kind of almost like miffed that she even asked me that. And it shook me up. It really, really shook me up. And then six weeks after that, I realized that I could not stay in my marriage. That I had Woken up in a way that was earth shattering. I had found myself after years of feeling dead on the inside in a way that I could not let go of. And even though my husband at the time said he was willing to have me do some exploration and you know get my own little studio where I could be with women sexually. I mean, I didn't want any of that. That was not what this was about. This wasn't about me having sex with women. This was about me waking up to myself after being in a deep slumber that I was put into because of the conditioning of our society. And not even just my parents, not religion, but just society, just belonging and fitting in. To the norms, you know, getting the approval, doing what you're supposed to, being a good woman, all of these things that I had learned, staying small, not taking up too much space, you know, not having too big emotions. And I didn't like any of it, but I knew I had to do it. That was what I felt. And so I very much related to this woman's story of being asked by this woman that she met that that really woke her up, you know, like if she would ever consider not being in her marriage. and this woman was very clear, absolutely not, so it was sort of a short-lived, very intense awakening. That is like a tsunami wave that came and just mucked everything up and now is going to be like washed out to sea. And this woman is left with all of the pieces not where they were before the wave hit. For any of you out there that relate to the story and that feel like you have been in this place, that you have. Parts of you that are trying to put the pieces in place to find some certainty, to place a label on yourself so you have certainty, yet you're also gaslighting yourself. You know, I think I'm lesbian. I don't want anything to do with men. I don't want to have sex with men, though I have enjoyed sex with men in the past. you know, not for a long time, but like I'm not gonna lie, I have enjoyed sex with men in the past. so does that mean I'm not a lesbian? And you know, maybe I'm really not, and maybe I'm bisexual, and what if I say I'm lesbian and then I realize down the road that I'm not, then what's gonna happen, right? So there is this way that our brain is trying so hard to find certainty, and that certainty takes time. To develop and unfold and present itself to you. And the way it does is certainty of the moment. In this moment, this is my truth. This is what I'm living. This is what feels real to me. That does not mean that that same certainty is going to always exist and work in the same way for you. You might not Find whatever is certain for you today, a year down the road, you might be in a really different place. So today you may say, My husband is my best friend. He's been my best friend forever. we co-parent beautifully together and we're amazing partners. I really love my life. I will never want to live, or certainly in this moment, I never imagine wanting to live in a separate residence from him. Because we are best friends. And that might be your truth for today. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. And it's very possible that a year from now, that truth will look a little bit different. And it might be we're still best friends, we love each other so much. He's been dating, I've been dating, our kids are doing well. And I think for us to both have a little bit more space. We're going to live in separate residences. And this way the kids can go back and forth between us, right? That might be a truth. Or it might be I love him. I want him to continue to be my partner. I'm going to find another partner who also is open to ethical non-monogamy. And I would like to have a female partner. You know, I don't have a romantic. attraction or sexual attraction with my husband. We have a platonic relationship. We have a peer marriage. And we'd like to keep that intact. And in the meantime, I would like to have a partner that I do have romance and sensual and sexual attraction with. And I want to find someone who's okay with that and who's not monogamous and, you know, who who feels okay with me living out this life. With my husband and what we took on, which is having kids, and also wants to spend time with me in these other ways that would feel very fulfilling to me, right? That might be where you are. So there is no one right way to go on this journey, and there is no certainty of arriving in one place where you're going to have the answers that are going to be the answers for the remainder of time. I can tell you for the last 21 years, my feeling has been I am a relational person and I prefer to be in relationship versus not in relationship. And therefore, I have had long term relationships with women over that. 21 years, Now, it's almost three years I have been single. And if you asked me back in even 2022 how I feel about being single or not being in a relationship, I would have told you I don't like it. I am relational, I like having a person, I like to be in relationships. And that all changed for me. Circumstances changed. My father got very ill suddenly. I lost my second parent. I had a lot to take care of in the business of death, having lost both of my parents. I felt untethered. I went on sabbatical for a year. I bought a home outside of the city. I built an entire new community of amazing badass queer and lesbian women in another location while still. being a mom to my three kids and showing up for them and showing up for my clients and eventually showing back up for my coaching work. If you had asked me in 2022, could it be true that you would actually enjoy being single, I would have told you, no, that's not true. But that was my truth then and things have changed now. Because we live in a society that tries to keep us knowing everything and keep us certain of things, right? If you marry this person, then you know what your life is going to look like forever, etc. That is not true. Things change, and that is the only constant that you can rely on is that things are going to change. We are changing every day, things are changing every day. And Give yourself that grace to allow that. I met another woman recently and she had within the last few months, lost her husband. And she said, I've always felt queer. Is it too soon to do this work of the program? should I first be healing from this loss before I start doing this work? I said to her, only you can decide when to start doing the work, there isn't A right time. If you are feeling called to do the work, do the work because it's going to lead to changes in you and how you experience your world. And then it's going to lead to other changes that are going to happen after those changes happen. And so by not doing the work, you're keeping yourself from moving forward in life. In a more curious, unboxed way. Why spend more time living that way when you could do the work, take your time doing it, and then see as each day goes by where you actually are. The certainty is false. It is something that is sold to us. It is like normalcy that is sold to us. Here's the way to be normal. Here's the way to be certain. Here's the way to know. But that doesn't actually work in life because the only constant is change. And if things are constantly changing. Then you can't know something forever. So we've bought a false package, you know, we we were sold something that's not real. How can you work with that now to give yourself the best chance at finding what is true for you, trusting yourself, no more gaslighting, no more hiding, no more trying to please everybody else on the outside and do what everybody else wants. Wants you to do and how you're going to make everybody else comfortable. At the end of the day, none of that even matters. This is your life. This is your one time through. thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. I hope this was helpful. Thank you for spending this time with me on Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave a review. It helps more folks find these conversations. If you're ready to unbox from something that's keeping you stuck, I would love to support you. You can find the application to the show at unboxyoursexuality.com. Let's stay connected. Find me on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at lesbiancuriositycoach. Give me a follow and join the conversation. Remember, we only have this one time through. Why not unbox yourself and let your true self shine in all its beautiful glory?